Trail Therapy

May 11, 2013 at 10:13 am (Hiking, Nature)

I love this time of year. I’m done with hibernation and I’m ready to face the world again. The trees are starting to come alive, the grass is finally turning bright green. Wild flowers are popping up everywhere beneath my feet and around my lawn. Purples, deep reds, blues and yellows everywhere! Spring in New England is a beautiful time. I’m usually back to trail running long before now, but it’s been a strange winter for me. I seemed to get caught up in internal struggles and couldn’t get out the door. My Easter hike kicked off my season; got me out there and reminded me of what I’d been missing camped out in my chair staring at Facebook every morning for the past eight months.

I am a record keeper. I keep a diary.  I keep logs of all my hikes and runs for the past three years. I keep a log of my weight and measurements for the past ten years. I like to look back and see how I’m doing now. I like to see improvement! I knew I’d be sorely disappointed in my performance over the last year and I wasn’t wrong.

2012
January:   18 workouts
February: 31 workouts
March:       41 workouts
April:         30 workouts
May:           24 workouts
June:         11 workouts
July:          15 workouts
….and then it turns to shit. It isn’t until April 2013 that I get over 3 workouts in a month. How can I go from 41 workouts in March 2012 to 1 in March 2013? Life. Somewhere along the way I got lost. I know I had excuses at the time, and they probably seemed like good ones. August was “too hot”. September through December hunters are in the woods…always an excuse. I couldn’t afford to go to yoga four times a week anymore. I just gave it all up and became a chair-potato addicted to memes on Facebook.

Recently I realized I’m going through another bout of depression. I haven’t been “happy” for quite sometime, but I couldn’t really put my finger on why. My job? My marriage? Money (or lack of)? Sure, they all have their ups and downs, but no more than before. Something isn’t working for me and I need to fix it. So I returned to yoga. It’s one day a week, but it’s something. That lead to being aware…aware of my need to eat healthy and most important, to be outside. I started shutting down my computer and heading out the door in the mornings. I head back out at night after a stressful day of work.

I won’t lie; it’s only been since the beginning of April that I’ve been getting out there again. But with that simple decision to “just do it”,  I worked out 11 times in April, despite traveling to LA for work. I surprised even myself and worked out everyday in the hotel gym! Something I’d never done before. And I loved every minute of it. It was the kick start I needed as well. I proved to myself that I was in this for good.  I was back.   While machines in a gym are great and I love the elliptical machine sitting in my living room and the treadmill in my garage when weather is bad, there is nothing, nothing like being out on the trail.  The smells, the feel of the ground beneath my well-worn (and well-torn) sneakers.  Fresh animal tracks (and scat) beneath my feet reminding me I’m not alone out here.  I may have been inside for the past 8 months, but the woods were still very much alive without me.  It was I who wasn’t alive.

When I’m hiking or trail running I tend to think but never dwell.  Thoughts come and I try to work out problems, but somehow they don’t seem like problems anymore.  It’s easier to “let things be” when I’m more worried about where my next step needs to fall. I don’t play music; instead I listen to the sound of my feet hitting the ground or the labored breathing of my old dog. The chirping of birds is the only other sound that fill the woods; even the distant rumbles of the real world can’t make it all the way out here. I’m in a cocoon of quiet and calm.   My focus quickly changes to where I am in my hike or run, how my body feels, how the trees have changed, how cute my dogs are :)  My mind rushes with creative thoughts; I’ve probably had a dozen book ideas or written a hundred blogs out on the trail, only to have them erase from my mind the moment my foot hits the stairs.  And that’s okay.

Perhaps it’s because I’m not only doing something good for my body, but because I’m taking charge of my thoughts that makes being out there so important.  When I trail run I feel more alive than when I do anything else (even hike).  I immediately feel stronger, more in control.  I love the way my muscles react when my foot hits the ground.  I’m proud of myself for doing it.  I’m hot and sweaty and tired and strong. I get muddy and scraped up and my feet hurt when I’m done.  I’m bleeding and bruised from branches hitting my legs– and I bloody love it!  My feet are cracked and rough looking, but they are strong.  It’s better than any therapy session in the world! I’m alone with all the voices in my head and I let them work it out in the background. I know what I need; I just have to drown out the negativity.  I don’t have to talk to anyone except my dogs; I don’t have to look good or prove anything to anyone but myself.  If I need to slow down and walk, I do.  If I almost trip and look like an idiot, no one is there to see it ;)  If I twist an ankle and need to limp along for a little while, that’s okay…but I usually keep on running and it works itself out.  Out here I am me, for me, by me.  I have no one to answer to.  I am in control and I am strong.  I may have a stressful day at work or I may go negative in my checkbook…I may get annoyed at being ignored.  But that world seems to matter less when I know I have the woods to retreat to.  And slowly and surely, that strength and control will soon follow me out of the woods.  It will allow me to make it through the tough times without letting it get to me as much.  I’ll make decisions that are best for ME.  I’ll reconnect my body and soul and be happier for it.

Post Script:

Now, don’t get me wrong. I haven’t given up the infamous Facebook.  I have beloved girlfriends that I couldn’t live without on there.  It’s my social network and I love touching base with my friends and family. I’m not throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  But I have changed its role in my life. I fill my newsfeeds with positive posts from inspirational people.  I follow trail runners and hiking groups. I share my clean eating recipes and tips and I try to make it a help, not a hindrance to what I want to become.  I may be on there less, but I still count on the friendships I’ve made to make me whole!

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Patience is a virtue. Who knew?

January 1, 2013 at 3:08 pm (Clean Eating, Random)

Looking back at my blog from January 1st 2012, I have to pat myself on the back a little.  As I put a batch of granola in the oven I realized I’ve been cooking and eating clean for over a year.  Sure, I’ve fallen off the wagon from time to time, but as I’m down 5 pounds from last year, I’m happy with myself.  My cholesterol has improved so much  my doc said I was one of the healthiest patients she has :)  Can’t beat that!  So, was 2012 all happy smiles and healthy recipes?  Hell no.

I was taught from a young age to be self-sufficient.  To not only take care of my own breakfast, but to take care of my emotions.  After many years and several failed relationships, the constant deluge of “No one else can make you happy, you need to make yourself happy!” began to sink it.  I began to take trowel to brick and build a wall that ensured I kept my happiness my own responsibility.  In my typical all-or-nothing fashion, I stopped having expectations from people.  Except for my children, who give me unending happiness, I never quite let anyone in. After all, why bother?  Why did I need to?  My husband and I have been married for 19 years and it’s been a good ride, a great 2 decades.  One of the reasons we’ve made it so far is that I’ve had low expectations and have never left it to him to make me happy.  I rearrange my own furniture, paint my own walls, go on my own vacations, and find my own pleasures in life.  I’ve always been content with this arrangement; heaven knows he has.  There are few emotional responsibilities to uphold.  I don’t ask him (or expect him) to shop with me, take me to dinner, snuggle on the couch or watch sappy movies.

But in my birthday blog I set out to figure out who I was.  I wondered “who is JULIE now that MOM is becoming more and more unnecessary?” Let’s stop right there.  Unnecessary? I think I underestimated my mom abilities.  Sure, the kids are getting to the point where they don’t need me quite as much, but they still can’t find the butter on the shelf behind the milk.  Still, I had few friends to fill my time now that that the kids were busy with their own lives.  The same doc that bragged about her healthy patient this year, told me I had to start letting people in. I needed to have friends or I’d crash. Quickly.

Again, that all-or-nothing trait came into effect and I tore down the wall all at once.  I put all my trust into my new friends and expected, very unfairly, for them to fill the hole that had been growing for so long. I gave up all responsibility for my own happiness and lost myself in this new world.  I gave over the wheel and expected them to drive my soul to joyville.  It was not only unfair to them, it was unrealistic.  It was a long, crazy summer and fall.  I laughed a lot.  I cried a lot.   I was on a constant swing of emotions and it was exhausting.  So I took a step back and returned to who I used to be. I stopped drinking. I stopped going out.  I picked up my trusty books and dove back into my cave.  But it was too late.  I’d fostered true friendships that wouldn’t allow me to curl up and be alone.  Emotions had been stirred and while the wave of chaos was now a slow ebbing ripple, there was no denying it was there.  I just needed to figure out a middle ground.

And that’s where I am today. After journaling hundreds of pages of gunk out of my soul, I’ve found that while no one else can make me happy, they can be there to share in the fun.  They can bring out the good in me, enhance my life, and keep me on track. While it would be nice to have someone else take the wheel for a while, I’d never be happy in the long drive that’s left.  It’s just not who I am.  I need to drive my own destiny. But, I really like having someone riding shotgun.  Besides, as Dean Winchester says, “Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole.”

While I’m still cooking the same granola a year later, I’m certainly not the person I was last year, nor do I want to be. I’ve grown. I’m stronger, happier and more satisfied. I have amazing people in my life.  They make me laugh. They make me feel comfortable in my own skin and they don’t mind that I’m not perfect.  I’ve settled back into my comfy chair with a book and a cup of tea. Only now my book is on a Kindle, the tea is decaf, and I’m a lot more content in the life I lead. I’m older, wiser and learning a new virtue. Patience. Patience with life. Patience with weight loss. Patience with myself above all else.

The years will come and go and the only thing we can do is continue to grow. Continue to learn more about ourselves without sacrificing who we are.   When we stop growing we become stagnant and unhappy.  I was stagnant for a long time, but now I can feel myself growing into the woman I need to be.  I have two more tattoos, a new, short haircut and a sassy, yet classy attitude going into 2013.  Bring it. I’m ready.

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It’s the end of the summer…

September 30, 2012 at 7:44 pm (Random)
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It’s the end of the summer, it’s the end of it all

Those days are gone, it’s over now, we’re moving on

It’s the end of the summer, but we’ll see it all again

~  End of Summer, Theory of a Dead Man

 

It’s been a while since I’ve written. Life seems to be traveling at warp speed and I never find the time to just sit and think. When I do, I’m generally lost in thoughts too complex to put on paper… or it’s 3am. But this weekend is the first in a long season of cold, crappy, home-bound days spent cooking, cleaning, and [hopefully] writing.

Usually I see the seasons as an opportunity to reinvent who I am. I dig deep, find a new section of my personality and drag it to the top. I toss aside anything that might be boring or stagnant and brush off the new and exciting aspects of my life, whatever that may be.  As summer comes to an end, so too does a part of me. But this year, while I’ve put away the shorts, tanks and flip-flops and pulled out bulky sweaters, boots and scarves,  I’m hesitant to pull out a new facet of my personality. It seems that for once, I like who I am.

It’s been a crazy summer of discovery, friendship and awakening. I traveled to New Orleans, Miami and Atlanta. I made new friends, strengthened bonds with old ones, and began the long process of giving my children the wings they ultimately need for their own growth. I met celebrities (yes, DJs are celebrities too), got tattoos, discovered new bands…but most importantly, I realized I’m capable of having friends again.  Cresting a mountain surrounded by familiar, smiling faces is absolutely better than hiking alone! Having a beer and sharing laughter with friends makes my soul happy. Allowing people into my life for the first time in years has made me stronger and weaker at the same time. The vulnerability that comes with letting others in is a tough concept to accept, but the outcome is certainly worth it.

Perhaps I’ll just put away the summer attire and leave the feelings, experiences and lessons right where they are. Instead of falling back on old habits and getting stuck in the same routines, maybe it’s time to build from what I’ve learned instead of creating a world where I’m in control. Maybe, just maybe, reinventing who I am every season isn’t what it takes to grow. Maybe, just maybe, it takes facing who I am and embracing it.  Sure, summer is over, but autumn has only begun…

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Lessons from Bicknell Brook

July 23, 2012 at 11:44 pm (Hiking)

It may not look like much from the road, but it’s paradise!

One of my favorite running trails is Bicknell Brook – Colette Trail a few miles from my house. Unlike running up back, I have to remove myself from my environment and routine and drive there. I found it about 2 years ago and it’s more than just a hike or run.   It’s a classroom for all sorts of lessons I could probably find elsewhere, but not with nearly as much enjoyment.

Since I found this little piece of shady paradise, I have wavered between taking people with me and keeping it to myself.  Each time I visit it’s an experience I cherish, no matter who I’m with.  And each time I seem to learn a bit more about myself.  Life Lessons learned in the woods.

Sometimes you need to stop and stick your toes right in.   At least stick them into the trickle of the brook that covers the beautiful rocks.  Too often in life I run through my daily routines, taking little time to relax and let life gently surround me.  Instead, I get caught up in the whys and hows of what is, what was and what shall never be, becoming so locked in my own head I’m not truly present.  Today as I looked at the cool water running ever so gently over the moist rocks, I thought “hey, I bet that would feel good…” And it did.  Instead of running right by with the thoughts in my mind, I took the time to slip out of my shoes and socks and let the water caress my feet.  It felt good.  It felt better than good; it felt amazing!

Sometimes you just need to have your ass on a rock and your toes in the stream.

You can do anything you set your mind (and legs) to. As long as you stick to it.  I started running trails two years ago when it became a matter of necessity more than anything.  I had added more and more mileage to my morning walks throughout the summer when the kids were home from school and needed to make up the time somewhere.  I started running the downhills, working my way up to the flats and eventually most of the uphills too.  The first time I ran Bicknell I gave myself a goal of 1 1/2 hours.  After all, I could HIKE it in 2, so this should be a piece of cake.  When I came back out in the parking lot in one hour, I was thrilled! Tired, but thrilled!  Not only had I done it a lot faster than I thought, I ran the whole thing. I didn’t need to stop once.  I suppose it might be one of the reasons it’s my favorite!  It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you just start small.

It might take a while, but that tree WILL come down

It’s okay to look behind you, but only to see how far you’ve come.  I won’t lie.  I’m a big one on looking in my past and thinking of all the things I could have done differently.  But on the trail, if you look behind you too much you’ll fall flat on your face.  You always have to be looking one step ahead of your feet so you don’t trip on a rock or root or twist your ankle in a hole.  There is way too much shit going on to worry about where you’ve been. Still, it never hurts to look back and see where you’ve come from and how hard you’ve worked to get there.  You just can’t spend a lot of time doing it. Move along little doggie…

There are a lot of trails in life. Try them all.  Every trail may lead to the same place, but each one has its own unique quality.  There are quite a few routes you can take through the Colette Trail.  Some cut off the points closest to the water, bringing you deeper into the woods, making your run faster.  You can take the long loop back to the parking lot or the shorter, more direct one.  While I generally stick to the main trail, I’ve found myself delving into the less active paths to see where they come out.  I know I won’t get lost, but sometimes I just need to spice it up a bit, discover something I never knew existed. As I face the next stage of my life, I know there will be a lot of trails for me, a lot of paths I can take.  The one I ultimately choose will be the right one, but taking the path less traveled has always been my way.  I just keep wondering…what does it hold? Where will it take me?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Be free to make changes as you go and add where necessary. “The Best of Kansas” isn’t always long enough to make it through the full run. Sometimes I have to add a bit of J. Geils and The Cars too.  The art of improvising is key in every facet of life.  While I’m sure it makes more sense to create a long playlist from the beginning, sometimes it just isn’t what you need.  Frankly, I don’t choose my music until I’m out there (and if I’m listening to the radio I have no control). Every day is different and what’s needed to keep going changes as you go along.  If you find yourself short of dreams, find some more.  It really is that simple.  Besides, how boring would the same ole’ playlist be?

Just because it feels good at the time doesn’t mean it was the smartest thing to do… This lesson came a few years ago when I thought it would be really cool to take the kids to the pools and swim.  NOT a good idea. I, of course, was the only one to swim…and then had to hike out in wet clothes. Really? I was SO chaffed I thought my legs were burning when we stopped at Grafton Pond for a real swim.  They hurt for days!  But you know what, it was fun while I was doing it, so was it really that stupid? Well, probably.  Next time I’ll just bring a change of clothes!

Sometimes we have to go through the shit to appreciate the smallest of things. When you are sweating like crazy, even the slightest breeze feels amazing.  This one came to me today, my second 80+ degree Bicknell run in a week.  Sweat was dripping into my eyes, coating every inch of me in a thick layer of yuck.  But then the breeze came and felt SO good!   I was reminded of my girlfriend, Laura, who lost almost everything in Irene last year.  When the smallest plant came back in the Spring, it was like a gift from on-high.  It’s amazing how a simple word, smile or action can make a world of difference.  You can be having the worst day in the world and when someone reaches out and takes the time to care, it really feels amazing.

It’s okay to not run full steam ahead.  There are many times when I just can’t run the whole trail.  I no longer mind if I have to slow down and walk for a while.  It actually gives me the time to reflect, react to my surroundings and take stock of what I’m trying to accomplish. And sometimes it just gives me the time to catch my breath before running again.  Whatever the reason, it’s okay to go at a comfortable pace no matter what I’m tackling. Sometimes it yields much better results in the long run.

Welcome to my Paradise!

There are hundreds of other lessons that run through my head as I run (and walk) the paths around me.  Some are random and make absolutely no sense to anyone but me, while some are more poignant.  Sometimes I think of who I am and who I want to be. Other times I listen to my playlist or my favorite DJ on iheart radio and don’t think of anything at all.  It all depends on the day…and the run…and the lesson I seem to need the most.

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Reading is Fundamental…but it doesn’t always cut it.

July 4, 2012 at 10:14 pm (Writing)

I’ve noticed lately that something is missing.  It’s something powerful, creating urges I can’t quite quell. My heart and mind are searching, reaching out and testing the waters in areas I shouldn’t be.  I have been delving in the darkness. I couldn’t put my finger on what’s wrong or why, all of a sudden, this surge of uneasiness has bubbled up in my life. All I knew was something was missing.  Something calling my attention away from my day to day routine, begging for excitement. Today, alone in the early hours of the morning, I realized what it was.

If you know me at all, you know I’m a research hound. Even my license plate reads “LIV2LRN”.  I was born to keep my imagination stoked and my mind reeling in excitement.  I need to tackle a topic and delve in hard and fierce, learn everything I can, create a world and all its characters and spew it onto paper.  I cannot keep my wild, vivid imagination locked away, inactive, in my mind for very long.  It leads not only to anxious, worrisome obsessions, it leads to dissatisfaction.  It leads to trouble.

What I need is to write. So, with the new “50 Shades of Grey” phenomena making waves all over the place, I decided to dig out my character notebooks and I plucked Lynette from my vault of lives.  Lynette is just the one I need right now; a strong, vibrant woman going against the rules of Victorian London. Lynette is a whore.

Okay, so it probably doesn’t sound like the best voice to pull out of storage at this point in time, but Lynette is exactly what I need. With the success of Shades, it’s obvious it might just be what a lot of women need.  And not just the unf*^%able ones.  Experts say the success of the racy books – dubbed ‘mummy porn’ – has been driven by  ”frustrated middle-aged mothers.”  Of course, those experts are at the dailymail.co.uk.  More experts took a survey of 400 women – all aged between 25 and 50 -and found  43% of women would rather read about sex than perform it. Really? You’re doing it wrong.

“One respondent, who didn’t want to be named, said: ‘I’d much rather read about it then do it. It’s always exciting in a book and, unlike in real life, the hero never rolls off when he’s finished and starts snoring without so much as a cuddle.’”

What’s even MORE disturbing to me is this is article: “ ‘Mummy porn’ Fifty Shades Of Grey outstrips Harry Potter to become fastest selling paperback of all time.”  The article went on to say, “Last week alone, the first installment sold more than 100,000 paperback copies – a feat most of the Harry Potter books and all of the Twilight novels failed to achieve.”   Okay, I can see the Twilight saga, after all, that’s not much more than vampire porn, but I’ve read ALL the Harry Potter books at least three times.  I couldn’t get past the first five pages of Shades.  The writing doesn’t even compare.  JK Rowling is the queen of writing.  EL James is the slow child in the back of the room.  Okay, I know that sounds harsh, but really?  Are there THAT many “middle-aged mothers” out there that don’t know good writing when they find it? Paleeese!  I could write a better book with my eyes closed. Um, I mean, in my sleep. I mean, with one hand tied…oh, never mind. You get the idea.

Let’s get back on track.  Let’s get back to me.  Actually, let’s get back to Lynette.  Perhaps I should toss aside the historical novel Lynette took a backseat in and put her right out there in the spot light.  Give those frustrated middle-aged mothers something to read that isn’t filled with, to quote Shades, crap.  I suppose that’s what got me thinking about ole’ Lynette, that strong-willed prostitute.  She’s not stupid.  As a matter of fact, she achieved something these “mummy porn” readers haven’t.  She’s come to the understanding that sex isn’t something that can be confined to paper.  She knows she’s sexy and uses it to her advantage.  And why not?  While many Victorian prostitutes were not in the profession on their own accord, many others took control of their own fate. In a world where women worked 12-14 hours a day then came home to filthy, overcrowded, disease ridden basements, prostitutes often chose the profession as an easier alternative.  If they worked for a house, they received better health care, ate well, and wore nice clothes.  Who wouldn’t rather have a bed with sheets, receive gifts and…well, let’s face it, have sex all day long.  Unless, of course, you’d rather be reading about it.

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Frustration Level: Orange

June 7, 2012 at 9:21 am (Clean Eating)

Back away slowly…

Well, who said this would be easy?  As I step on the scale (yes, yes, I know) I heave a big sigh.  It doesn’t go down. Ever.  It goes up but then right back, day after stinking day.  Never down. The measuring tape isn’t playing well either. My jeans don’t fit better.    I eat healthy, I exercise 5-6 times a week for at least an hour (and that’s not counting yoga).  It’s a brisk, get your heart pumping exercise too, not a leisurely stroll around the mall.  I sweat. A lot.  So why oh why aren’t I getting smaller?

Patience you say. It’s been six months! I say.  How much patience can a human have?

As I put a spoonful of cookie dough into my mouth, I asked my daughter, “why do I bother exercising?” “So you can eat cookie dough.” she said matter-of-factly.  Hmmm.  True. I’d just returned from a rigorous toning/yoga class with weights.  It kicks my butt.  What if I don’t eat the cookie dough AND still exercise you ask? Nothing.  I’ve tried that. At one point or another I’ve tried it all. I’ve given up sugar. I’ve given up white flour. I exercise an hour a day, do yoga an hour, eat fruits, veg, grains and lean protein. Nothing. I’ve done no exercise, eaten pizza and still, nothing. So…what is the missing link? What is that ONE little thing I’m doing wrong that makes my body refuse to shed these extra pounds? And don’t tell me this is just where my body is supposed to be, because I’ll throw something at you. I know it’s not.  I would be happy with 10 pounds less, despite needing to lose closer to 20 to be in the normal range.  I don’t want to be Twiggy. I’d be happy with Marilyn.  I want to lose the muffin top.

So, I sigh heavily, pack my lunch of fresh gazpacho, beans and rice and yogurt.  I’ll snack on a banana with natural peanut butter and probably have at least one cookie at my meeting tonight. Counting my calories, I’ll stay within my goal of 1300-1400 after exercise.  I’ll sweat my ass off on the elliptical for an hour, shower and go to sleep.  And get up and do it all again tomorrow.  Because at this point, what else can I do?

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I am the Turtle

May 17, 2012 at 9:27 am (Uncategorized)

I am the Turtle. Hear me Roar

In 5 weeks I’m heading to Miami.  Four days of fun, sun and a trade show meeting hundreds of people.  Traveling is a new perk to my job and I love it.  In April I went to New Orleans…next year the show is in LA! In August I’m headed to Atlanta for hot, humid days of tank tops and skirts.  In September our customers are joining us in Portsmouth.  It’s going to be a busy summer and the only thing I can think of is: If only I could drop 10 pounds.

Last week when I found out I was going, I started thinking about how much weight I could lose in 6 weeks.  At the least I should be able to drop 5 pounds right?  Less than a pound a week…should be easy-peasey.  Despite knowing how my body functions and how hard it is to lose weight, I started going through the best diet for the job.  South Beach? No, it just doesn’t work for me. Especially being semi-vegetarian and only eating chicken and fish.  Rice and beans are a main staple for me.  And there’s no way I’m giving up fruit.  What about Weight Watchers?  All healthy food, good system… then I stopped.  I was right back into the “just go on a diet” mindset I’ve been on since I was 13.  Diets DON’T work.  I know that.  I was setting myself up to fail even as I ran through the benefits of each system.  Sure, it might work for a week or two but then what? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life counting points or avoiding bread.  The thing I really need to change is my thought process.

I need to stop thinking I will somehow have a better time if I just lose weight.  But it’s not about just accepting who I am and shrugging my proverbial shoulders.  I know I’d be  healthier and feel better if I dropped the inches.  But I’m already on the right path; Yoga and the weight classes I am taking twice a week will do wonders for my arms in those tank tops.  My hikes not only bring me strong legs and lungs, it brings me peace and alone time.  Writing my blog keeps me grounded and reminded that I’m doing the right things. There’s no need to get caught in the diet trap.

Things won’t happen overnight.  My arms may not be as tone as I’d like in 5 weeks. But I’ll reach my goals without diets. Without quick fixes.  It will only come with patience and persistence. Slow and steady wins the race. And I am the Turtle.  Hear me roar!

It may not be until next April when I’m searching the LA streets for Mark Sheppard, but ultimately I’ll get where I need to be

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Happy Birthday…to me

May 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm (Uncategorized)

Yes, today is my birthday.  I’m 45 years young! For me, my birthday is a time to reflect on the past year and speculate on the one to come.  It’s a time to regroup, reinvent and rediscover who I am and what makes me tick.  Most people prefer New Years Day amidst hangovers and swollen bodies suffering from too much holiday goodness.  I prefer to take stock when the world is coming alive again; when the buds on the trees seem to open before my eyes.  It reminds me that life is a constant cycle of change.  What I saw when I looked out the window three months ago is very different than what I see now.  Our lives are very similar; there’s no reason to stay the same.  For me, the changing seasons are more than just taking out one wardrobe and packing another away.  A new piece of my personality emerges as well.   

I love to reinvent myself.  You never know what I’ll be next!  British Punk with Converses and Dr. Who tee shirts.  Hippy hiker chick (also my twitter alias) in Northface pants, hiking boots and a “peace” tee.  Trail Runner with my muddy New Balance sneakers and Columbia running shirt.  Guru with yoga pants, flip flops, and a “strength” tee.  Author with thick rimmed glasses and turtleneck sweaters. Classic Country with Levi jeans, cowboy boots and silver belt buckle.   Sometimes I wonder if I’m just confused. But in reality, all these styles represent the whole of who I am.  

While I’ve done a lot this past year, something was missing.  An element that is THE most important piece in being alive.  Joy.  Not that I’m not happy, because I’m truly happy and content in my life.  I have an amazing family and wonderful friends.  That’s not what I mean.  I mean I am going through the motions of being ME without keeping joy in my heart.  I climbed Mt. Washington, something I not only trained for but anticipated with so much JOY.  But the act was a chore.  I allowed those around me to dictate my experience.  I allowed others to influence what was in my heart.  At work, I hit a new sales record!  I did it with no expectations other than making more money and proving I could do it. I was so proud! When no recognition came, I allowed the joy to be stripped from my work; it became a chore again.  What really changed? Nothing.  Only I expected something from my hard work that I hadn’t given consideration to before. Recognition from above.  It didn’t dawn on me that I needed it until it wasn’t there.  Since then I’ve been lackluster at best…all because I have forgotten the joy of what I want to accomplish for me and my family. 

Lately I’ve been going through the motions in my own growth.  When I hike or work out on the elliptical machine, I have one goal in mind. To get in the best shape of my life.  When I eat clean I do it for the purpose of cleaning out processed foods and feeding my body only healthy foods so I can lose weight and get in the best shape of my life.  When I go to yoga I practice only to stretch out my sore legs and strained muscles, forgetting the true purpose of practice.  I’m doing everything without the JOY I used to have.  I used to hike because I love to be in the woods and spend time with my dogs.  I used to eat healthy to feel better whether I lost weight or not.  I used to do yoga to get in touch with who I am and remind myself my body is more than a thing to manipulate.  It is what it was meant to be.  Sure, I’m overweight. Sure, I don’t fit into the jeans I have hanging in my closet (that I have NEVER been able to get into but I still set the bar to achieve the impossible).  Sure, I’m not as beautiful as I want to be…I hate seeing my fat face in pictures. I hate seeing the double chin and the chipmunk cheeks. Somewhere along the way I have forgotten why I do the things I love.  I need to regain the act of enjoying the simplicity of life.   

I started asking myself, why won’t diets work for me? Why can’t I lose weight no matter how hard I try or despite the hours I spend working out?  Because I’m not really doing it for the right reasons.  No matter what I tell myself (and others) I want to be thin.  I want to be in shape, be strong and be wearing those jeans.  I don’t want to have a roll around my middle. I don’t want to be middle-aged. Every once in a while it hits me from out of nowhere.  I’m 45 years old!  I’m middle-aged.  I’ll never be young again.

And this, my friends, is how I must reinvent myself this year.  I must dig deep inside and come to terms with what it means to be middle-aged and love it.  To find joy in who I am at this very moment, at this age.  I have no regrets. I have no expectations.  It’s not that I really mind being middle-aged, not really. it’s just that it happened so damned fast I’m ill-prepared.  When I limp down the stairs in the mornings I’m reminded just how old I am.  My ankles hurt, my feet hurt, my head hurts.  I pulled a muscle over three months ago and I still can’t do a forward bend without pain.  I can’t sit in one place for long periods without hurting somewhere.  Age has crept in while I wasn’t paying attention!

So, what does this mean? Should I crawl up in my big comfy chair, sip on some tea and watch Masterpiece Theater for the rest of my life?  No!  That’s only for Sundays!  However, it does mean I need to accept a few things about myself:

1.  It’s okay to take a day or two off from exercise and not feel guilty.

2.  I am NOT a runner. Never have been, never will be.  I  need to stop trying.  Sure, a slow jog on the trail from time to time is fine, but I need to stop trying to be something I’m not. 

3.  Eating cake and ice cream occasionally is fine.  Eating it days in a row just makes me feel like shit.

4.   I like being vegetarian (although it’s really pescaterian as I eat fish) and I’m sorry if that offends you.  I don’t care if you eat meat so please don’t care if I don’t. 

5.  I like labels. I find comfort in giving a name to what I’m doing.  Whether I’m “eating clean” or following some other program, I love self-help books. I really enjoy “Clean Eating” and “Running and Walking programs for Women over 40″.  BUT it’s up to me whether I listen to them.  I’m not a failure if I decide it’s not for me.  Tosca’s cookbooks are the only ones I use on a regular basis because I love the simple goodness of them.  Not to mention, they are easy!  Running…not for me.

6.  I’m lazy.  Sure, I work full time, hike every day, take care of my family, but ultimately, I am lazy.  My house is a mess.  I prefer not to cook if I can get away with it.  I like to sit on the couch and watch tv (Leverage, Supernatural, Grimm) with my kids when I get home at night.  Does this make me a bad person? Hell no.  It just makes my butt sore from sitting in one place too long because I’m middle-aged!

7.  Hello, my name is Julie and I’m a Twitter-aholic.  Yup. I love Twitter.  I LIKE the snap shots into my favorite celebrity’s lives.  And when the tweet me back, it makes me feel special. I spend the quiet of every morning sipping coffee and reading Twitter.  I like it. And that’s okay.

8.  I’m also a shop-aholic.  I spend way too much money on things I don’t need or ultimately want.  Just because I get them at the thrift shop doesn’t make it better.

9.  I’m not a good friend.  I don’t write. I don’t remember birthdays, I don’t visit.  But I do love with all my heart and think of you often. 

10.  I loved the Avengers Movie.  Robert Downey Jr is just the hottest thing since sliced bread.  I loved ALL the Harry Potter movies and I LIKE daydreaming of parallel universes. I think that’s what makes me a great writer—even if I don’t take the time to write.  An active imagination is the cornerstone of who I am. Like it or leave it, it’s the biggest, most uncontrollable piece of my collective puzzle.

So what is in store for me in 2012?  Who will I become?  As I lay in shivasna yesterday, I asked myself just this.  Who shall I be now?   Will I recycle a persona?  Shall I mix and mingle them together?  Shall I become Buddhist? What will emerge in 2012?  I really don’t know. The only thing I DO know is that I will do it with joy and acceptance.  Only then will it be true.

 

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New goals, old inspiration

January 27, 2012 at 10:09 am (Uncategorized)
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I’m finishing up my forth full week of eating clean and I’m down 1.5 pounds!  It doesn’t sound like a lot, but I’ve never been one to drop 5 pounds in one month nevermind one week, so I’m happy!  When I was hiking 20 miles a week and eating clean (a year and a half ago) I was averaging 1/4 pound a week; I’m already ahead of the game!

Getting the portions and ratios right has been this week’s focus and I feel like I’m finally getting there.  I was still eating too many carbs (even if they were all good ones) and once I cut back I’ve seen the weight come off.  Some people may enjoy ice cream or chocolate as comfort foods…I love a good slice of toast with butter!  

I’m surprised that I haven’t had any urges to eat sweets, but I suppose eliminating sugar as helped.  They say once you eat a bite of something with sugar you crave more and more.  I’m just glad I’ve been able to walk away from all the temptations.

I’m also back to hiking each morning weather permitting–ice and rain this morning keeps me inside but I’ll do the elliptical or treadmill tonight instead.   This weekend is going to be nice so I plan on a good, long hike of at least 1 1/2 hours.  Due to the lack of snow (I’m in NH…what is up with no snow???) I can’t go snowshoeing like I love to do.  I was hoping to head out on the local lake and do the perimeter like I did last year…I’ll have to wait for a while.  But, I can head out easier on the trails.  And the dogs can use the exercise too…my pug is getting chunky! I’ll be doing Mt. Washington in July so a goal to shoot towards!  I love goals with substance and DATES.  Having count-downs to events helps me keep focused on the outcome and I work harder.  Who doesn’t I suppose? 

Sheryl Crow

She is my inspiration. Look at those pipes! I already have the curl...

My second tangible goal is that I’ll be making a trip to Atlanta in August so I want my arms looking good in tanks and sleeveless dresses!!   I have to add weight training but I’m at a loss on how to approach it.  I have plenty of weights and I know what to do…BUT I never seem to stick to it.  I have a pilates DVD that incorporates weights but I know I need more. I can carry weights when I walk too. I know that helps, but I need to just go down and use the damned weight bench like a big girl! :-)  I need to stick that picture of the incredibly fit Sheryl Crow back on my phone as a screen saver and post it all over everywhere so I can remember what I want to look like!  After all, who doesn’t want to look like Sheryl Crow?  

Another of my battles has been finding good protein sources that I enjoy.  I found egg beaters 100% natural egg whites and I love them in the morning in addition to my oatmeal.  Cottage cheese is becoming a staple too.  I am not vegetarian but I don’t always want meat in my meals so finding other ideas has been great.  Replacing nuts with the others has helped the weight come down too.  As good as they are, they are calorie rich!

I’m also glad to see I’m almost caught up on stocking my pantry with all the right foods. The past month has cost me a small fortune on groceries but I’m finally to the point where I only have a few things I need to pick up this week.  A nice balsamic (I’m using it all the time now for dressing with a bit of flaxseed oil) and some more honey.  Now it’s just the basic fresh produce and stuff for lunches (my family hunts and we have a freezer full of venison) and I’m pretty much good to go!  Now the ease and fun of eating clean begins anew!!

Get out and enjoy life.  It’s what you make of it so make it count.  

 

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A bit of a struggle…

January 20, 2012 at 10:04 am (Clean Eating)
Tags: , ,

I’ll admit, this was a tough week. While I still ate clean and actually got a lot more exercise in, I found myself losing a bit of the excitement. Perhaps it’s the third week of paying so much for groceries.  Maybe it’s the third week of three bean salad.  I’m not sure, but it was a lot harder to stay clean this week.

Sunday prep was a lot shorter and I made fewer meals making the week tougher.  Lunches have been a struggle as I am sick of the same thing and I can’t find anything that appeals to me.  Still, despite being a bit on the bored side, I easily turned down cake and ice cream not once, but THREE times at work this week.  It was an insane week for birthdays!  It’s not the sugar or the desire to eat whatever is at hand that is hard,  it’s making myself eat.  Remembering to eat every few hours has suddenly been harder as I’m not constantly thinking about food and eating clean has just become habit.  I came home with snacks still in my cooler bag, not bothering to eat them.

So, this week I need to find more appealing recipes; new, exciting recipes that I’ll look forward to eating.  No more three bean for a while :-)  I plan on scouring the web for some fun, new ideas and branch out.  I’ve never been a recipe kinda gal, but I’ve found I’m using spices and ingredients I would never have thought of.  It’s fun!

And the cleaning up has lost it’s full glory too; it seems like there is always a slew of dishes to wash all the time–despite trying to keep up as I go.  I still do it.  But it’s not as exciting.  I have to make myself stay in the kitchen in the mornings and not go back to my routine of getting a cup of coffee and checking my email and twitter.  Like I said, I still do it, but I’m grumbling to myself as I do.  Luckily it’s Friday and I’ll have a few days to get recharged and caught up on my sleep.  I’ll find some fun, new recipes, organize my kitchen and head to the closest (1 hour away) health food bulk store to stock up on grains, cereals, spices and nut butter.  Some honey too!  I’ll make a new batch of jump start granola that my husband RAVES about and experiment with some power protein bars to rival Luna.

I knew it wouldn’t be easy.  Like everything else in life, the newness has worn off and it’s not as exciting and fun anymore.  But the important thing is that I’m still making the small, important choices everyday.  Plain yogurt with granola and fruit over chocolate cake and ice cream.  Whole wheat pita pizza with fresh mozz and spinach over burrito bake.  Ezekiel bread over biscuits.  Each small choice is one step closer to making eating clean a lifestyle change.  Sure, it’s glossy greatness has diminished a bit, but that’s okay.  Like a long marriage (of which I enjoy!) every day is not wine and roses.  Sometimes it’s routine. Sometimes it’s grand.  But the majority of time it’s just a part of life that runs in the background among chaos.  It makes you strong, makes you happy, but you just don’t think about it all the time–it’s for a lifetime.  So is eating clean.  Whether I think about it or not, it runs in the background of my thoughts helping me make good decisions.  I don’t focus on it and there will be times I find it tedious to eat every few hours, but I will get in the routine and make it happen.

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